tay_cha

tay_cha

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devotedoptimusprime (gotta love transformers)	[Aug. 27th, 2008\|05:17 pm]
yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeee! a few words from you always makes my day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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(no subject)	[Aug. 20th, 2008\|04:10 pm]
About a month ago my mom wanted me to send her optimum card back to her because I had used it to see a free movie and forgot to give it back. I went to the stamp machine but I didn't want to pay $6 for a pack of stamps so I bought a bunch of 2 cent stamps and covered the whole envelope in them. I didn't know how much postage was and also had too much fun making patterns with the stamps all over the front and back. When my mom got the card she said that the postman probably got a good laugh. A long time ago I saw this really bad movie with greg kinnear called "Dear God." The only cool part of the movie was when they were in the basement of the mailroom and you got a glimpse of all the kinds of strange mail that postmen get to see everyday, either decorated or addressed to people like god or santa. So I've decided that my goal is to become rich so I can afford to hold jobs that I think I'd like to have but that my parents would completely freak out about. First job would be working in the mailroom of the post office so I can look at all the letters and get a first hand glimpse into how strange and interesting humanity can be. After watching that movie Friday with Ice Cube the other day I've also decided that I want to be a dog catcher. I think I'd be a good candidate because I have tons of energy and I like mischevous dogs and pups.
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summer movies

[Jul. 15th, 2008|03:25 pm]

Has anyone else noticed that this summer rules in terms of good movies to see? I just got back from The Journey to the Center of the Earth and it was so fucking good, I wasn't bored for one second. There were dinosaurs and glow birds and a really hot tour guide from iceland.

So far I've seen:

Son of Rambo------------- good
What Happens in Vegas------------ ok but funny
Harold and Kumar: Escape to Guantanamo Bay----------- sucked my ball sacks
The Happening------------------ bad but kinda entertaining
The Incredible Hulk----------------------- amazing
Wall-E--------------------- mixed feelings, girl robot should die
HellBoy II: The Golden Army--------------------------- horrible
The Journey to the Center of the Earth----------------------- amazing

Tonight I might see Wanted or Kung Fu Panda but only if I'm bored because I'm really just looking forward to seeing Dark Knight and have been for way too long. It's pizza night at my dad's so I'll probably just chill with the movies for a night.

Oh yeah I almost forgot my new favorite movie is Jumper. I rented it from one of those red box movie things that I saw at the Fresh Grocer in philly and it got me all pumped. When I tell people about it they say that they heard it sucks but I think they suck because it's really good and there are gonna be two more!

Transformers 2 filmed briefly this summer at Upenn and then around philly. A friend from my program worked on set for them for a day. Too bad I missed my chance to see Megan Fox... major bummer. But if I did I probably would have started twitching and hyperventilating and basically not playing it cool.

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WALL E	[Jul. 9th, 2008\|07:34 pm]
Before I came to ohio this time around I started dating this woman from my mfa program who I had liked all year long. When I made it clear with my actions that I had a crush on her we went to a bar near her place and then watched a movie. During the movie she said that we should just be friends and wasn't going to sleep with me. I was bummed but said ok, but then she asked me to sit closer to her in some chair and we started making out which led to her bed, which led to making me go out to buy condoms, to her begging me to stay the night. After that we fooled once more before I realized I really liked her. Then everytime I tried to get her to go out on a date with alone she'd invite all these people along and I got angry. The night I called her on her behavior she said "well its not like were dating, tay." I didn't understand how she could sleep with me but not go out for a movie or dinner alone with me. I told her that I had just bought her 3 chocolate bars that day because I found out she loves chocolate. She didn't seem to care and I told her to leave me alone. After a couple of days I was walking to get food with my buddy antonio when he said hey to someone. I didn't see her at first but it was that mean girl who I liked so I just looked at her and said "hi" and we kept on walking. The next day she had seemed to change her mind and then every day or two later it got scary. First it started with family photos she brought over, to emailing my friend who is traveling to say we are dating etc. After she'd spend the night I'd buy her breakfast and say goodbye but she'd end up coming back in the afternoon while I was doing art or chilling in my room. I didn't mind at first but then I got fed up with her invading my personal afternoon time. One day she left for work at 6 and I knew she was coming back at 10 because we had plans. I flipped out and got on a greyhound bus home and texted her. That night I got two texts basically saying fuck you and that wasnt cool and then she called me and said that I shouldnt have texted, and why didnt i call to leave a voicemail. Then I went up state and I got texts like next time ill give you a reason not to leave again, some were really sexy but I got scared of them. All in all this girl is great, we had real chemistry and she told anyone who asked if she was comfortable with me being a transman to fuck off and that if you were around me youd see that i was a man. Her loveyness was confusing to me because she was so MEAN at first and so I guess I exploded in anger a few times and humiliated her such as the things I said one day at a bar. I got an email the night before i left saying that she wished that she hadnt met me because she felt like i persued her and then threw her out like a piece of trash. She said that I had control of every decision made and it was if she had no say. she said she wasnt going to get involved with me but that day she saw me on the street she thought to herself "i might be missing something." That is my introduction to my dilema: I don't understand women!!!! This past trip I said something about them and erica got uncomfortable and left the room she later explained to me that women can be mean but its really that they are tricky. My favorite day here in ohio was hanging out with my chinese pal jian because i missed her and we saw Wall-e. She brought her little cousin who I had seen grow up over the years but she used to be chubby and eat everything. She always knew i was trans but she never behaved weird around me until this time. When I saw her she was slender and really pretty and kinda girly emo. She liked my taking back sunday cd so I gave it to her. It was strange to be around only a 13 yr old and see that she was acting like she was trying to get male validation from me. Its not like flirting cuz shes 13 and im 22 but it was strange. At the california pizza chicken she refused to get pizza and ordered a half a salad. I knew she was hungry after cuz I made her get a pretzel later. But common!! I had 4 pizza sandwitches, how is a few leaves gonna be enough to eat. Wall-e opened my eyes to how mean women are. Wall-e, the last robot left on earth is the fucking man, he took care of everything on earth and had his daily routines. His place was cool as hell, super obsessive with lots of toys and fun things all in rows and rows. When a spaceship came down with this girl robot eva he fell in love and she tried to shoot him repeatedly with lazer guns. He took her into his house when a storm came and kept handing her some of his cool things to play with. When the spaceship came back for her, he grabbed hold of the side of the spaceship and left earth to follow her. He didnt talk much but everytime hed see her he'd say "e v a" like it was the most beautiful thing he heard. Back in her world he learned that eva was a mean mean mean girl. Later she realized that he had loved her but he was not responsive, he was just really sad and let down. I knew the film ending scene was going on because it started getting all flowery with them being in love so I knew the credits were about to roll. I got a squeemy feeling in my stomach and I felt so uncomfortable that I stood up. It wasnt that awkward because one minute later the credits rolled. I looked behind me and saw that the men in the theatre were still sitting down and I knew that I am 6 years old in boy years. When I told my mom that I saw wall e she was saying how much she loved eva and wall e's relationship and it made me mad. I liked wall-e because I identified with him. I guess because he was a loner who just did his own thing day in and day out but was add and obbsessive. His place was like some giant toy installation. He was akward and strange but an overall cool guy. Women don't tell me the truth anymore and looking back I dont think they ever really have. Since Ive been here Ive realized that they talk about romance stuff all the damn time but I have never been part of that circle and have no idea what is said. This time I got to listen in but the squeemys would take hold and I'd get uncomfortable. I'm so confused and am leaving in a couple of hours. thanks ohio this last trip was fucking weird.
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Always remember the important things in life

[Jun. 8th, 2008|02:33 pm]

[

music

your mom snoring

]

Its been a week of lessons learned:

1) Always invite amateur smokers to smoke pot with you, so you can secretly laugh at them when they can't handle it and act awkward.

2) Lyndsey Rodrigues is hot

3) Marlboro Reds rule, doesn't matter who you associate them with... you'll both get cancer separately. key word: s -e-p-a-r-a-t-e.

4) The world is your oyster. You could have been a loser in high school... actually you probably are still a loser. But rejoice in the fact that they are impressed with how you turned out.

5) Never I repeat NEVER let yourself become like Buster from Arrested Development. Don't be friends with anyone who even remotely reminds you of Buster.

6) Don't let authority scare you, become pals with your teachers, proffessors. When your bored call them up. It's as good as finding a lifesaver on the floor of your room when your craving just a tiny piece of sugar. ok not really.

7) It's not a good idea to ask a girl to give you a bj when shes clearly fallen asleep. The minimum punishment is not getting head and it just gets worse after that.

8) The best entertainment there is jules. Call her when you know she is working, so she has all the time in the world to give you the greatest laugh of your life.

9) Spread the word about xtube and youporn. This means the porn industry will be hurting more than they already are with every click of the mouse. Down with the famous porn stars! Support the inner freaks that happen to be your next door neighbors, beautiful people from around the world that you'll never get to meet etc. Next time you stare at a womans backside for over 4 blocks... make sure to go home and try to find a replica in the form of internet entertainment. Who knows she could have been advertising.

10) Sequels usually suck. Don't bother seeing Harold and Kumar. I'm sure this doesn't apply to Dark Knight because that is gonna be amazing. Any guy who says they want to see Dark Knight because of heath ledger is gay, it doesn't matter that he croked.

11) If your dog is neutered and starts humping your arm or legs, just look away and let them go at it. What's 6 or 10 seconds to you anyway. Show compassion to all mammals who want to have sex and aren't or can't have sex.

12) Be charming and exceptionally nice to cashiers at fast food joints or any food establishment. You don't want them to spit in your food but most importantly you know your fantasy will come true someday and that the cute waitress you order munchies from everyday will be in your bed. That was just a joke. Be nice because you are gentleman.

13) When you have only had 2 hours of sleep write something ridiculous in hopes that you will become so delirious that you'll be ready to hit the hay. You might think you could at least make it to 20 but common how bored can you really be.

peace.

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new works...	[Apr. 28th, 2008\|01:04 am]
Since I don't have a camera anymore its hard for me to get pictures of my new works. So I only have three to show right now but my final critique is friday and my friend said he would take the rest then. After friday I should have all my works up on my lame flickr account. Someday I hope to actually have a professional site.
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Art should be shared!

[Apr. 3rd, 2008|06:48 pm]

[

mood

cheerful

]

"Giant Apache Bride" 2001 by Brad Kahlhamer

"Untitled" by Nicole Eisenman
"Alice in Wonderland" by Nicole Eisenman

"Alexander the Great" by Rachel Harrison

Two works by Joyce Pensato

Two works by Chiho Aoshima (member of Murakami's Kaikai Kiki Collective)

Recently when i was in computer animation this kid said that he wanted to do an animation project about a person who goes through all of his favorite works of art. My professor suggested that he try to pick artists other than Dali or Warhol because they are everyones favorites. I think it's frustrating that people don't know what else is out there but I know that it's simply about exposure and I'm sure they'd be very interested to see works of artists they've never heard of before. Even though all of these artists I put up here are very famous, not too many people outside of the art world know who they are :(

Take a look!

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I'm a new animal	[Feb. 9th, 2008\|02:36 am]
As an artist I am not too original right now, content aside that is. Everyday when I wake up I tell myself I need to produce something, this is because I have choosen this as my career path and I need to keep up with my job. The cliche of pain sparking good art is so true, but I suppose that doesnt have to be a bad thing. Its almost a sign that I will be able to work honestly with no bullshit when I have a headache, and overall I feel disembodied from myself. I guess if I had to explain this, I'd say because youre no longer thinking the way you normally do but you only see things in terms of symbols and signs. My language lately has been of blue men with out of control spinal cords and blood vessels, fetus', crazy insects and one eyeballed creatures. These are things that inhabit my world right now because more than ever I have found a kinship to my body and I'm exploring that. I never viewed myself as a body before only an identity, a Tay, but lately I see that I am so much more than my interests, my experiences, gender, etc. So many things are happening within me and I'm eager and excited to explain these things with imagery. For the first time I dont feel that words are adequate because I dont know how to adequately explain whats been happening. I'm happier than I've ever been because I'm more in touch with my sadness. People only see how well I'm doing and I really like that. I dont want to be an open book anymore. I want to be an explorer of my secret world because I never really understood my need to be a social person in the first place. I'm starting to realize that I like not being able to really connect with most people and even when they try I'm not interested. Everyday I question how long I want my life to go for, right now I know that I have more to express with my art.
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(no subject)

[Jan. 22nd, 2008|12:28 am]

[

music

The flaming lips

]

two months ago i signed my body to be taken away into a world that i am learning to cope with.

it started with tingling that put my hands to sleep while i was using them typing at the computer.

then rage that made me want to break everything in sight, excusing myself to punch walls and break wood with my feet, kicking over paint cans... mostly just wanting to wreck things and see things in ruins.

sleeping for days, not being able to wake myself but seeing out of the corner of my eyes the daylight entering and then to gradually disappear into night time. Waking up confused because the day no longer started in the morning. During my sleep I'd try and move my limbs but they'd feel like jello or like feathers.

sexual energy is no longer a leisure activity because my groin doesn't stop. It wakes me up in the night and i try and satisfy myself half asleep, wanting to cry and complain.

My muscles are growing and it often feels like someones pulling my arms and legs. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder why my bisceps look as if I've been lifting and working out. Interesting results for a guy who just sleeps the days away.

I constantly wonder if I should just give up because its impossible to be a student while all this is happening, but I can't help but see a longer road ahead of me. I dont want to pull the plug but I hate not knowing whats going to happen each day. It's always something new and I dont feel like the operator of my body any more. And I'm not, the hormones are :(

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(no subject)	[Dec. 27th, 2007\|11:28 pm]
i cant sleep. im going to ohio tom afternoon. im in the den blazed and listening to red red wine by marley and thinking that i need to pack. ive lived in long island for a long time but i never appretiated the good things about being here until about a year ago. i thought college was awesome but being in a place without beaches is to hard. im am getting the travelling itch again and wanting to explore. i think travelling is one of the best things of life. i miss bombay a lot, that place is an addiction for me. i think i need to make a lot more money so i can go back there at least every two years. my life was changed blazing there there is nothing like it, i clear my head everytime im there and when i come back t feels like ive been cleansed.
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(no subject)

[Dec. 26th, 2007|01:08 am]

[

music

The Roots: here i come

]

I got home today from being upstate at my dads vacation house. when i was there i went down to the basement to get some of my old art stuff and i came across this print. i did it so long ago but ive always liked it.

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T!	[Nov. 30th, 2007\|02:48 pm]
I got my first shot of T today!!! For some reason its making me feel really mellow.
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(no subject)	[Oct. 30th, 2007\|03:40 pm]
After a long stint of douche bag therpists I finally found a really cool one today. He's this young guy whose also from Long Island and I felt like I could just talk to him like a friend or something. I've been so manipulated or brainwashed from my other therpist who had for like 5 years, but this guy seems like he might he get me off meds soon which would be so great. Today I finally stopped taking my risperdol which is an antipsychotic and for schizophrenics... wooohooo. People have been telling me all the time that its ridiculous that I'm on that and today I finally felt awake and didnt pass out during the day. The whole psychotherapy and psycopharmocology thing as well as medications is a subject that kinda pisses me off because I've felt like a lab rat for so many years, but I'm done on that topic. Lately I just make sure I get to my classes mon-wed and any other cirts I might have and then its on to looking forward for the next big things. This past saturday my mom and dad came to visit me and it completely cheered me up. They took me to china town for dinner, saw my studio and the printshop and then bought me a present. :) In two weeks amanda comes to visit me again and I am really happy about that. Then theres thanksgiving and my dad's wedding which hopefully my ex is going to visit me... I havent seen her since graduation which is like 4 months! Also I am getting back into movies because I didnt pay attention to any of that in a while. I saw In the Valley of Elah and it was was really amazing. Very inspiring to me and my work on masculinity. I really wanna see Across the Universe. It looks fucking sweet but I hear that it looks like theyre randomly tripping because its a pg 13 rating and they cant show them doing mad drugs. I'm a very staight arrow lately so I think I really wanna watch a movie about people tripping balls.
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(no subject)	[Sep. 1st, 2007\|06:24 pm]
I've experienced a lot in my life to make me feel like I was grown up. I guess I really started to feel mature as I got to my senior year at denison, sometimes felt like king of the mountain in my own way, but already the 2 days here at Penn have tested that. I slept most of the way down here and it all happened in such a chaotic way because I had to finish up a few things with my name change last minute otherwise the $210 I paid for the index number would have gone to waste. It all worked out and I got the official documents, but then I had to pack the car in literally 20 minutes and we rushed down to philly so my mom and tad could get back in time to pick up my dog from the hospital. I feel asleep with my contacts on and when I woke up we were already in PA and 5 minutes from campus. It all happened so quick and I remember wanting to stop time. This summer I have felt a sense of family more than I ever have in my life. My dad is getting married in november and I have a new step brother that I look up to immensely. My mom is finally happy and with a guy who also has a daughter and their dog sage lives with us. The most important thing is that after almost 2 years of having a strained relationship with my mom because of my transition, finally we are so close again and she has been amazing with supporting me and loving me with everything she has. It was so unbelievablly hard to say goodbye to her and i got a little choked up. My dorm is bigger than any dorm at denison and its really strange because I feel like I am living alone (a single) in a huge apartment building complex. The whole Penn campus is beautiful and the buildings look like their from a movie or something. I feel like the whole city is around me and its a really weird to go from granville to having a korean/japanese restaurant, urban outfitters, museum, hotels and fancy restaurants right around a corner from where I live. The first night I felt kinda lonely, but then my brother called me and we had the best conversation that we've ever had. We've become so close this summer esp after travelling to amsterdam together, smoking, playing video games, playing football etc. Its kinda like he knew that the transition would be rough for me and called me from a lacrosse party and talked to me for a half and hour about how i was doing and showing me cares. In the morning I woke up at 7am because I had this one elaborate dream about friendships and heroine addiction (weird huh?) that could be one big fiction story. I went on an Arts Tour around the city and I ended up meeting this guy who is also a first yr fine arts grad student and we ended up talking about all this arts stuff that really took me by surprise. I've never found someone until now who is like me and said that he would fly to NY everyyear for the whitney biennial and talks about a whole slew of artists that I always figure know one knows and also japanese toys like the ones from juxtapoze mag that I would like to collect more of if i had more money. Its weird because for the first time i ever, i kinda was sick about talking about art with this guy, like it was too much of an artsy conversation but it was really good for my first friend here and we plan to go to this gallery show at CerealArts on friday. I asked him where he lived and when he said he lived with his gf i was surprised because the whole time i thought he was gay (hes the kinda guy who says and did say "i like your shirt"). But that stirred up a lot of emotions for me because ever since i got here i keep on remembering that just one phrase changed my whole plans for philly and i never forget that, everytime i come back to my single. The afternoon was kinda lazy, I just watched V for Vendetta then went to eat dinner at some food court by myself because the dining halls dont open till the 5th. Then I came back to room and I saw the light on through the shared bathroom so I realized that in any minute I would find out if i was sharing a bathroom with a guy or a girl. Ever since I filled out the housing forms, I prayed that Penn would treat me as a guy and give a guy to share my bathroom with and thats exactly how it turned out. I knocked on the door and the guy was so friendly but he looked soooo much older than me. He pulle dup a chair and he told me all about philly and key things to know. He talked about the nightlife and how he would introduce me to his buddys and wed all go out drinking. Thats when it dawned on me that this is going to be very difficult because I didnt tell him that I'm not a bio guy. Now I can just see myself being embarrassed when I show my license at a bar and then some waitor calls me ma'am, what do i say? Also now I feel like I have to bind all the time and hide when i get my fucking period and constantly remember to leave the toilet seat up. Sometimes I feel like I live in a fantasy world where I forget that I have a girls body. This is going to give me stress, but hopefully I can go the whole year without him ever knowing. I am just glad that I am finally treated like a guy to a university. Then I went to go see Superbad by myself and began thinking that even though I will make more friends, I will always be that guy who does things by himself just like in high school and pretty much my whole life. Denison and all my friends there made me feel like I was just like everyone else, but I'm still the same me. I will always be the person who secretly ate their lunch in the bathroom stall like in high school because I dreaded the cafeteria social game. It makes me want to talk to my ex so bad because shes the only one that would understand and there isnt a day that passes by that I dont feel horrible that i pretty much showed her that i was this social asshold when really i will always be a loner type. Classes dont start till tuesday so I dont really know what to expect except this is my life now. I have my own place in a new city and am getting my mfa, times are scary but I am glad that I am out of ohio and out of denison. I dont want to be a kid anymore and always have people to hangout with and get fucked up but not have a real future ahead of myself. My mom has always worried about me because she had I dont have the normal social skills as kids my age, but now it doesnt really matter. Its tough though because i miss so many people. I guess I gotta tell myself to just be strong, put my future first. I just feel like all this ivy league art stuff is really going to ware me out because i feel like everyone is going to be so live and breathe art like the guy i met today. The thing I have always loved about my friends is they like to have fun and have taught me to have fun too :( tear.
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im a slave to my art...	[Aug. 29th, 2007\|06:25 am]
I felt it before I went to bed and I knew that I wasn't going to be getting much sleep tonight. It's impossible to relax, shut my eyes and let myself fall into a deep sleep when I'm going through the motions of creating my next work. By now I dont need to sit down with a pencil and paper, I create the images in my head and go through idea after idea, until I come to the conclusion that I suck and eventually I'm in a state on unconsciousness. I got up around 5 am to take a piss and as I got back into bed, the whole cycle started again. Ever since I read Carries letter of rec (back when i first got accepted to upenn) I can't stop repeating this one line. Over and over again I hear: Tay works very hard to hone the skills he has already acquired. And it's true. It's not the pressure from other people that gets me like this, it's just me and all the little voices in my head doubting myself, wondering how the hell did I make it this far. From time to time I go back and look at photos of my old works, especially the ones I submitted to grad schools and I am honestly perplexed. I must have read my letters of recommendations a thousand times over trying to find the answers, but then all the doubt makes me feel like the person they are talking about isnt me, its someone else. So I got up and decided to draw. Doing art and concentrating at creating something usually always calms my nerves. After a while the sun came out and I went outside for a cig. The air is cold outside and I felt like my whole body was shrinking. Its been a while since my anxieties about art has done this to me but I'm used to it especially after second semester my senior year. Know one except ashley knew what all the stress of the group show and my solo show was doing to me, but everynight I'd be up until I was so out of it I would pass out and that was usually around 8 or 9 am. I remember tiptoeing around my room, gathering my art supplies or trying to press the keys on my computer as softly as I could not to wake her up. I'd glance over at the bed and watch her so peacefully at rest and wished that I could be like that too. Every night I'd make the taylor basement lounge my room, carving, painting or silkscreening while the same vh1 videos like "read my mind," "boston" and "colorful" would play over and over again. I got so used to those songs that I put them all on my itunes so when I was working in my room during the day or evening I could be in an art trance just like at night. Everynight I'd fall asleep on the hard couch with a coat over my body and a shirt crinkled up for a pillow. Those times were so disturbing and I just hope that come friday when i go to philly that it wont be the same thing all over again. I often think that I really do live and breathe art because its all I can think about. Either I'm obsessing over it, making it, or stressing immensely over it. I feel like not everyone has such a marriage to the things they major in in college but its always been like that for me and it gets worse year after year. Sometimes I think if I really achieve my dream and make it as a famous artist I might just have a heartattack from all the stress. I severly hope not. here is my drawing from tonight, its how i feel about going to upenn. i really do feel like a 5 yr old boy most of the time.
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(no subject)	[Aug. 13th, 2007\|04:14 pm]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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woooohoooooooo!	[Mar. 21st, 2007\|08:44 pm]
So I never write in this thing but i just wanted to post that I got into grad school, in fact my number 1 school: Penn Design at the University of Penn (an ivy leagues school!). I will be getting an MFA in Printmaking. I am so relieved because Ron was suppose to email them and tell them that I have worked with two of the professors there who came to denison as visiting artists... but he got lazy and forgot. The work I am doing now for the group and solo show is better than the work that I sent in but I guess it worked out. Right now I am silkscreening t-shirts for disa by hand and by myself in the art building. I am doing two layers, one image and one text on the front and text on the back and I have 100 to do. Fuuuun right? Neha offered to get some people to help me but i refuse after the disaster that was last years national day of silence silk screening activity for outlook. Let me just say that most everyone left and then people were rushing and basically being idiot. They just dont understand the art of it and they certainly didnt appreciate the processs, rrrrr, that day still makes me mad. So in other news: -I got rejected from UMASS of Amherst which was my BACK UP SCHOOL. those bastards. - some of my pieces are going to be shown in newark at the Works -I got an email from a guy from the Denison Magazine who wants to talk to me about possibly doing a piece on me about my transgender experience and including jpegs of my art. The theme for the magazine is "identity" and i guess he talked to ron (even though he said he talked to a few profs). -its funny how i feel like rons son today. he is so proud about grad school and is texting me and is goin to take me out to dinner. now that im goin to be in philly he can visit allt he time and introduce me to all his artsy friends like the famous comic book creator of the Black Hole, Charles Burns. that is fucking cool. -my dad got engaged to an amazing woman who i love. -ashley might not be at my senior group show because she will be recovering :( * and the best news of all* me and ashley will be moving to philly together and getting an apartment in university city adjacent to Penn Design. and there is talk of a puppy :) I dont know how it happened, but suddenly i turned into a lucky bastard. It's hard to process all this, but I am glad that i have a future ahead of me after denison. I would have killed myself if i stayed in columbus w ashley and worked at a barnes and noble (which is what i was gonna do if i got rejected).
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(no subject)	[Mar. 4th, 2007\|05:13 pm]
Lately I express everything I feel in imagery. This is fitting for me because my actions never adequately did my feelings justice and my words are something that people have a hard time believing. Right now I'm slaving on this 24x36 linolieum print about heartbreak. It's very explicit but not in the way people will perceive it. To them, its a print about a large naked woman spreading her legs and a small boy figure craling into her vagina, but to me it's so much more. To me, this image says everything I cant say and dont want to say. For the first time in my life I have been sitting with my feelings, realizing that there isnt always a solution to pain. While my heart is bleeding, its a beautiful feeling and I dont want to try and mend it bandaids from people that will never come close to my heart. Throughout this year, I have really experienced the ways in which women throw themselves at you and i barely even pay attention now. Everyone one of them know whose name I basically cry out in my sleep and that it will never be theirs. Right now I rather have myself and not exert energy pretending to care about that which I will never care for. The thing is that I feel blessed to have loved this hard for someone thats worth every ounce of it, and even though theres nothing to do about it I trust fate. I trust that I am being true and honest for the first time and that I am brave enough to reveal these things even though I risk rejection. I have always been under the misconception that people knew when I was telling the truth just in the way that I can tell this about myself but that is ridiculous. The thing is I'm finally revealing for the right reasons and not for personal gain. Im not trying to get anything in return, no promises or anything concrete. Thats not the point. The point is being able to acknowledge why I'm emotionally and physically devastated, why I stay up everynight to 7-10 am and why all I can do is art. Suddenly the unconscious has become conscious and im revealing in this new feeling. I feel honest, beautiful, pure and human. I believe that at 21 I know who is "my one," but im content on never getting her again. Life is not always about happy endings, its about realizations and honesty. So thats the truth, but theres always the now and now I just sit and feel blessed that I am so aware even though theres nothing to come of it.
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(no subject)	[Jan. 28th, 2007\|05:47 pm]
I haven't written in this thing in forever and i have nothing to do at the moment because im waiting for a disk to burn in mulberry. All day today I have been very productive. The deadline for my 4 grad schools is Feb 1st and since Ron is taking a little bit of extra time, I have until tomorrow to finally send my stuff out. It is a great feeling that I didnt give up and kept on jumping through these graduate school hoops. They give the most specific guidlines and sometimes they are super annoying, like whether or not to add the red dot to the slide as well as the word "top" with an arrow in the upper right hand corner. jeeez. On another note, this week has been so jammed packed. It was so rewading to give my talk and it was so nice to see that so many of my friends and proffessors came to hear me talk. It's funny how I've grown up so much since I got back to denison after break. Last night for dinner I took Jen out on a date and I seriously felt like I was an adult, sitting there making conversation and drinking a beer. It's weird how things have panned out with her because I totally didnt expect things to be going in the direction they are headed. It's weird how life throws things at you at totally random times, but I'm running with it. I really like her smile. I wish the guys would take more of a liking to jen and ashley but thats just not going to happen. Ki in particular is really reluctant and thinks that i'll get played or something. The funny thing is I haven't gotten played since I was "suzy." After my two recent breakups I was praying for some bitch to come along and fuck me over like I was used to. I guess that sounds weird but I dont like being in the position where I'm more prone to hurt girls. I care and love girls so much that I rather be the one that fucked over. Esp because in those positions I never really use my heart, its all an illusion and I wasn't expecting for my heart to be feeling all these things.
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